Friday, November 8, 2013

oh the life

fate or destiny or just plain right place right time?? I guess its what you believe in. sometimes you can look at things and think holy crap that has to mean something. someone I thought would never go back to my home town has. A month before I am suppose to go home. Its like the weirdest thing In the world. I feel like I have gone back in time 5 years. to that insecure girls who would let people push her around. I fell right back into it like alice falling down the rabbit whole. and as quick as it started it stopped. maybe not stopped all together but defintally haulted for the moment. which I think is a good thing. It gave me a minute to clear my head and realize I turned right back into that girl and how much I have changed since then. It also made me realize how much I have not changed. At one point my life was consumed by this man. I literally stopped breathing if he had told me to. I was so in love and entranced by him. then he broke my heart my world shattered and I broke. and I know that people always say that when they break up but I was broken. I didnt know how to put myself together. I had nightmares would cry on end and even get to the point where I just wanted to leave everything. A year and a half after that I went to counseling and realized that I had now had extreme trust and anxiety issues and even worse self esteem. almost 4 years after that I have grown but parts of me are still messed up. I still have hard time trusting and anxiety. I don't know if it will ever go away but i felt like I could do that. the minute he asked to be my friend on facebook my heart dropped. I dressed better even thought were miles apart I stood taller. and for what does it matter??? Im married and have 3 wonderful children and I don't think i could ever let myself go back to him. he cant take care of me and I could never trust him ever again. Maybe I was doing it to show him i am still amazing and he lost a great thing who knows. all I know it going back home is going to be tricky!

Thursday, October 24, 2013


I want to leave a legacy in case anything happens to me. but what do I have that is a legacy? i didn't finish school i don't have any amazing job or anything. But you know what I do have? I have strength. I have a 4 year old autistic son whom I love so much but it is so hard everyday for him and for me. I have to have the strength to know that I can be there for him every step of his life. teaching him that I can love him and cuddle him when appropriate and also teach him that he has to stand on his own to feet. I have to figure out when I should let him be with "normal" people and when to put him with people who can help him when he needs it. These things are so hard that I stress over whats best for my son. on top of that I have two wonderful 19 month old girls who are very normal. I have to be a completly diffrent mother to them. I have to be not a special needs mom but a regular mom and that to is really hard. I am so use to being the special mom I feel i am hindering them from the proper development. So I feel like I have to start all over again. I feel like i need to read one of those parenting books cause I have no clue. and no one is going to come to do session with them once a day and help them with there stuff. what if I fail what if they aren't smart and don't learn things because I have no Idea what I am doing. what legacy will i have for them then. I want More than anything in this world is to know that I have had the strength and I have raised smart strong children. can I do that?? i guess online time will tell but I need to be raw about this. these fears and worries are a lot for me to put out there. I wonder if anyone reads this blog I wonder if anyone will know the things I go threw. At least I know. at least I have said something somewhere.

Thursday, July 4, 2013


I'm trying not to be mad or envious but it's really hard. I'm sitting in Virginia potty training, getting Isaac to drink out of real cup, got the girls walking in shoes, and  still working out and cleaning the house. As I'm doing all the responsible things Michael is in Arizona sleeping in eating food you can only get in az going to Vegas drinking going swimming being our age with no responsibility. When I go home I have to have all the kids with me I don't get to do all the awesome things he does. Why do I always have to be the responsible one? Why do I Never get to be my own age. I'm never gonna get to go anywhere without kids. I'm just so angry. I am taking advantage of and I'm always the selfless one. I wish I could just once be self. I guess not for another 17years right ;(

Thursday, June 27, 2013

A novel

Why can't my life be a novel were someone comes and sweeps you away and they are super rich. Lol I love to read!! I love putting my self in a different world if not for a few days its like a vacation! I have been reading a lot of love novels. Bared to you series and fifty shades of grey. I need a new story something to really get me going!! Inspire me

Wednesday, June 26, 2013


Your tan dicky pants. A black shirt with black shoes. Soft hands and just tall enough for me to fit right under your chin when I hug you. I dreamt about you again last night. It happens more and more these day. I don't know why I cant stop. I don't know why after all this time I'm still thinking about you. Why I still want to know you. You chose someone else. I chose someone new and for some reason I feel like I am still connected to you in some way. Could it have been
 that love. The love that distroyed me. The love that took my breath away?? It's been such a long time. Your probably not even the same person. I can't say that I don't love to see you there in my dreams but it makes my heart ache that much more. I just wish I knew... Do u think about me?

Monday, May 20, 2013

Spring Cleaning

its the time of the year. the time when you clean out your house get rid of all the non useful crap you have collected and spray,wash,bleach, vacuum everything from top to bottom. normally I wouldn't do this I have never set one day aside to just clean like that but I am realized Isaac has ants in his room which means he is probably getting bit by them and i cant have that. Its funny how when you notice ants you also notice all the crap on your floor. But that's what happens when you have 3 kids. like I said normally I am not the spring clean person but i am actually excited about the clean. I would like to have clean carpets and a spotless kitchen to work in. such boring stuff for a 24 year old. I should be out partying or going to school or being in the military instead I am being a stay at home mom. Now that wasn't always my dream. I remember the first time i actually wanted to do something it was being a teacher. My first teacher I grew fond of was Mr.Fell. He reminded me of Steve from blues clues lol. He was the first male teacher I had but he was so happy all the time he was funny and nice. He was also the one who got me into sign language. he taught me the ABC's after I graduated his class I would go back and teach his class from time to time. the next teach I had the would be one of the most beneficial person in my life was Mr. Gilpin. He was my 7th grade history teach and an amazing one at that. He made learn to interesting and was so active with the class I remember ever Friday after class he would say "no alcohol no drugs but rock and rolls ok." I use to grade his papers for him and on occasionally he would let me teach his class and this was a little hard then Mr. Fell I had to watch him teach it first,memorize the lesson and then grade the papers. I set the bar pretty high for teachers pet. I know alot of kids wanted to do that after i started doing it. But what made him stand out for me was he wasn't just my teacher he was my friend. I became his babysitter and When I needed help from another student or a terrible teacher that hated me he was always there to help. i was so sad when he moved away from Arizona. After him there was Mrs.Downing,mrs.bryce (aka MOM) and many other who I became close to. I changed my thoughts of being a teacher when I joined the JRROTC. I would always want to teach but I also wanted to serve my country I loved having to have make sure I was always good mannered that i have a clean uniform and the clubs I was in the precision and the feeling of being part of something more. That was actually thee most fun I had in high school when I went. I met 2 of the men that I loved threw that club.One that i married and then that's when i decided that i would be a housewife first and one day finish school and go to college. that was 6 years ago. and I know once all the kiddos go to school I will finish what I started and I will become a teacher. and make the teachers who believed in me proud.

Saturday, May 18, 2013

Jar of Hearts

flowers. one of the many things I love about this earth. I don't know if anyone ever noticed how much I love nature. Most of my photography is nature. I love to smell the outdoors the look of the green leaves on the brown hard bark. such contrast. I remember when I was a child I absolutely loved going to the river. I would sit and just stare as the water flowed wondering how this water just went on and on.its a blessing in reality I see the things not everyone takes the time to see in the busy lives. I make sure I take at least 10min out of my day to just look outside or to take in a deep breath of the air. I hope to one day be able to see other parts of the world that are beautiful... there I went on a tangent of nature when I meant to tell you that I got flowers today from Michael. probably one of the sweetest things he does for me. I remember when I was 18 telling people that I wanted fake flowers because " they lasted longer". I said that because the man I loved never got me flowers and when he did they were wooded and I thought it was so sweet but the best thing is the smell. you cant get that in fake flowers. that is why I love Michael he try so hard to make me soo happy and it works I love looking at those and know he does it out of love. I love this man I married. the man I was in love with back then was the most important person in my life. he was by far the greatest love of my life back then and even now he will always have a part of my heart. But I guess that's what happens when you marry someone they leave there mark even when they leave you. Its no shock that he left only 9 months after we got married. I thought my life was so great then. I love that we had dogs and cats and a beautiful ALWAYS clean home. i was an amazing wife always making sure he had food and his clothes were clean. we use to go to a laundry mat and had fun. so when i found out that he was texting a 14 year old girl I thought "what am I doing wrong" we never fought I thought we were happy. after telling him to stop texting her and then going to see my sister because she was having her baby he asked me for a divorce. he couldn't even do it to my face he just kept saying i don't love you i don't love you. such a swift change in 2 weeks. I went thru a long time of trying to figure out what happened. why did he choose her over me?? what did she have that i didn't? and after 5 year still wondering I am no longer bitter or angry. i think it will always be a puzzle I cant solve but If i let myself stay in that place where I wonder i wont more forward and I deserve to be happy. He should be happy. I guess by telling you this Im saying life doesn't alway stay the way you plan. people change you life changes you can't dwell on the past because there is still sooo much life to be lived. and who know there might be something so much better out there for you. Look at me I am married to the most amazing man. and I have you beautiful children to make me so happy. And you may have never happened if I didn't go thru the things that I went thru. I know that it might hurt at the moment and for days and for months and years but one day it won't hurt anymore. and just because it doesn't hurt doesn't mean all your feeling will go away there will always be a part of you that will be fond or care for that person and you know what that's ok. you hearts are big enough to love everyone. your just have to accept it and LIVE LIFE!

Friday, May 17, 2013

"The Vow"

so I just got done watching the movie "the vow" its about this couple that get into a car accident and the women forget her husband completely even her whole life. It made me that what if something like that happens to me what If I die or forget my memories or something horrific. My child will have nothing to remember me. they will never remember my voice or know how much I absolutely love them. It breaks my heart even thinking about it. I don't like to think of death.. the thought that one day i will not be here and not knowing how it will happen scares me to my core. I want to live a full life I want to die of old age i want my kids to out live me I don't want to know how it feels not to have them in my life. But in reality you never know how life will turn out you just have to live life one day at a time because you never know what could happen the next minute the next hour the next day the next year.if you sat and just comtuplated that you would go crazy. So i think I really need to start to write more. i need to make sure that IF something does happen to me my kids will be able to know who I am and what I have gone threw in life. And even my family because If they feel like i feel this will bring them comfort. but where to start my childhood,my adult life or right here right now. I guess all children want to hear about there parents childhood right. some of my first memories of my life are with my siblings. I remember my older brother and sister pushing me and my brother Jeremy to pick fights with each other at the time I thought I had to because my sister told me to I really looked up to her. i did whatever she wanted. although Im sure she has a handful of times that I didn't. we are 8 years apart my sister and I and I remember growing up and how huge that gap was. she never wanted to be around me I was the little sister that wanted to take all her fun away. I can't blame her though. My parent depended on her to always take care of us and when she finally got some time away for herself I wanted to tag along. and I was honestly because I loved her so much and wanted to be her so much that I had to spend ever waking moment with her. even now As i sit here I still look up to her more then ever. She is the person I go to for everything she is the one i look for advice to vent to laugh. being away from her is like being away from a part of my heart.and she never stops looking after me. she always just wants me to be happy. who could honestly ask for a more amazing sister. well thats all i have for tonight i hope to right again soon