Friday, November 8, 2013

oh the life

fate or destiny or just plain right place right time?? I guess its what you believe in. sometimes you can look at things and think holy crap that has to mean something. someone I thought would never go back to my home town has. A month before I am suppose to go home. Its like the weirdest thing In the world. I feel like I have gone back in time 5 years. to that insecure girls who would let people push her around. I fell right back into it like alice falling down the rabbit whole. and as quick as it started it stopped. maybe not stopped all together but defintally haulted for the moment. which I think is a good thing. It gave me a minute to clear my head and realize I turned right back into that girl and how much I have changed since then. It also made me realize how much I have not changed. At one point my life was consumed by this man. I literally stopped breathing if he had told me to. I was so in love and entranced by him. then he broke my heart my world shattered and I broke. and I know that people always say that when they break up but I was broken. I didnt know how to put myself together. I had nightmares would cry on end and even get to the point where I just wanted to leave everything. A year and a half after that I went to counseling and realized that I had now had extreme trust and anxiety issues and even worse self esteem. almost 4 years after that I have grown but parts of me are still messed up. I still have hard time trusting and anxiety. I don't know if it will ever go away but i felt like I could do that. the minute he asked to be my friend on facebook my heart dropped. I dressed better even thought were miles apart I stood taller. and for what does it matter??? Im married and have 3 wonderful children and I don't think i could ever let myself go back to him. he cant take care of me and I could never trust him ever again. Maybe I was doing it to show him i am still amazing and he lost a great thing who knows. all I know it going back home is going to be tricky!

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