Monday, May 20, 2013
its the time of the year. the time when you clean out your house get rid of all the non useful crap you have collected and spray,wash,bleach, vacuum everything from top to bottom. normally I wouldn't do this I have never set one day aside to just clean like that but I am realized Isaac has ants in his room which means he is probably getting bit by them and i cant have that. Its funny how when you notice ants you also notice all the crap on your floor. But that's what happens when you have 3 kids. like I said normally I am not the spring clean person but i am actually excited about the clean. I would like to have clean carpets and a spotless kitchen to work in. such boring stuff for a 24 year old. I should be out partying or going to school or being in the military instead I am being a stay at home mom. Now that wasn't always my dream. I remember the first time i actually wanted to do something it was being a teacher. My first teacher I grew fond of was Mr.Fell. He reminded me of Steve from blues clues lol. He was the first male teacher I had but he was so happy all the time he was funny and nice. He was also the one who got me into sign language. he taught me the ABC's after I graduated his class I would go back and teach his class from time to time. the next teach I had the would be one of the most beneficial person in my life was Mr. Gilpin. He was my 7th grade history teach and an amazing one at that. He made learn to interesting and was so active with the class I remember ever Friday after class he would say "no alcohol no drugs but rock and rolls ok." I use to grade his papers for him and on occasionally he would let me teach his class and this was a little hard then Mr. Fell I had to watch him teach it first,memorize the lesson and then grade the papers. I set the bar pretty high for teachers pet. I know alot of kids wanted to do that after i started doing it. But what made him stand out for me was he wasn't just my teacher he was my friend. I became his babysitter and When I needed help from another student or a terrible teacher that hated me he was always there to help. i was so sad when he moved away from Arizona. After him there was Mrs.Downing,mrs.bryce (aka MOM) and many other who I became close to. I changed my thoughts of being a teacher when I joined the JRROTC. I would always want to teach but I also wanted to serve my country I loved having to have make sure I was always good mannered that i have a clean uniform and the clubs I was in the precision and the feeling of being part of something more. That was actually thee most fun I had in high school when I went. I met 2 of the men that I loved threw that club.One that i married and then that's when i decided that i would be a housewife first and one day finish school and go to college. that was 6 years ago. and I know once all the kiddos go to school I will finish what I started and I will become a teacher. and make the teachers who believed in me proud.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
flowers. one of the many things I love about this earth. I don't know if anyone ever noticed how much I love nature. Most of my photography is nature. I love to smell the outdoors the look of the green leaves on the brown hard bark. such contrast. I remember when I was a child I absolutely loved going to the river. I would sit and just stare as the water flowed wondering how this water just went on and on.its a blessing in reality I see the things not everyone takes the time to see in the busy lives. I make sure I take at least 10min out of my day to just look outside or to take in a deep breath of the air. I hope to one day be able to see other parts of the world that are beautiful... there I went on a tangent of nature when I meant to tell you that I got flowers today from Michael. probably one of the sweetest things he does for me. I remember when I was 18 telling people that I wanted fake flowers because " they lasted longer". I said that because the man I loved never got me flowers and when he did they were wooded and I thought it was so sweet but the best thing is the smell. you cant get that in fake flowers. that is why I love Michael he try so hard to make me soo happy and it works I love looking at those and know he does it out of love. I love this man I married. the man I was in love with back then was the most important person in my life. he was by far the greatest love of my life back then and even now he will always have a part of my heart. But I guess that's what happens when you marry someone they leave there mark even when they leave you. Its no shock that he left only 9 months after we got married. I thought my life was so great then. I love that we had dogs and cats and a beautiful ALWAYS clean home. i was an amazing wife always making sure he had food and his clothes were clean. we use to go to a laundry mat and had fun. so when i found out that he was texting a 14 year old girl I thought "what am I doing wrong" we never fought I thought we were happy. after telling him to stop texting her and then going to see my sister because she was having her baby he asked me for a divorce. he couldn't even do it to my face he just kept saying i don't love you i don't love you. such a swift change in 2 weeks. I went thru a long time of trying to figure out what happened. why did he choose her over me?? what did she have that i didn't? and after 5 year still wondering I am no longer bitter or angry. i think it will always be a puzzle I cant solve but If i let myself stay in that place where I wonder i wont more forward and I deserve to be happy. He should be happy. I guess by telling you this Im saying life doesn't alway stay the way you plan. people change you life changes you can't dwell on the past because there is still sooo much life to be lived. and who know there might be something so much better out there for you. Look at me I am married to the most amazing man. and I have you beautiful children to make me so happy. And you may have never happened if I didn't go thru the things that I went thru. I know that it might hurt at the moment and for days and for months and years but one day it won't hurt anymore. and just because it doesn't hurt doesn't mean all your feeling will go away there will always be a part of you that will be fond or care for that person and you know what that's ok. you hearts are big enough to love everyone. your just have to accept it and LIVE LIFE!
Friday, May 17, 2013
so I just got done watching the movie "the vow" its about this couple that get into a car accident and the women forget her husband completely even her whole life. It made me that what if something like that happens to me what If I die or forget my memories or something horrific. My child will have nothing to remember me. they will never remember my voice or know how much I absolutely love them. It breaks my heart even thinking about it. I don't like to think of death.. the thought that one day i will not be here and not knowing how it will happen scares me to my core. I want to live a full life I want to die of old age i want my kids to out live me I don't want to know how it feels not to have them in my life. But in reality you never know how life will turn out you just have to live life one day at a time because you never know what could happen the next minute the next hour the next day the next year.if you sat and just comtuplated that you would go crazy. So i think I really need to start to write more. i need to make sure that IF something does happen to me my kids will be able to know who I am and what I have gone threw in life. And even my family because If they feel like i feel this will bring them comfort. but where to start my childhood,my adult life or right here right now. I guess all children want to hear about there parents childhood right. some of my first memories of my life are with my siblings. I remember my older brother and sister pushing me and my brother Jeremy to pick fights with each other at the time I thought I had to because my sister told me to I really looked up to her. i did whatever she wanted. although Im sure she has a handful of times that I didn't. we are 8 years apart my sister and I and I remember growing up and how huge that gap was. she never wanted to be around me I was the little sister that wanted to take all her fun away. I can't blame her though. My parent depended on her to always take care of us and when she finally got some time away for herself I wanted to tag along. and I was honestly because I loved her so much and wanted to be her so much that I had to spend ever waking moment with her. even now As i sit here I still look up to her more then ever. She is the person I go to for everything she is the one i look for advice to vent to laugh. being away from her is like being away from a part of my heart.and she never stops looking after me. she always just wants me to be happy. who could honestly ask for a more amazing sister. well thats all i have for tonight i hope to right again soon